“Guilt War” - Story of an Artist and Mother.
My journey as an artist and new mother kind of all happened at the same time.
“A Guilty War” - my daily internal war!
Something I have struggled with since the birth of my first son. Once our first born graced us with his presence, I was always feeling stuck, tied down and if I am being completely honest a bit resentful for all the time and energy he required of me. I was so very tired all the time - like I never believed people when they told me how tired I would be! I felt like a zombie most days! - the little energy I had left after the constant feeding and rocking and soothing and feeding and changing and bathing and feeding (there was a LOT of feeding!) was just enough to scrounge food for myself and shower… And in between all this, there would be these little bubbles of thought - “I should be studying” - “I should draw more when he’s sleeping” - “I WANT TO PAINT SOMETHING!” - my inner artist (buried under the tired new mama) was itching to be let out and the war began!
At this point in my life I had only put one year of art school under my belt and had only just started to scratch the surface, I was eager to continue my studies but desperately wanted to be there for my baby. I had anxiety over leaving him with a daycare and fretted over substituting formula for breast milk so young in order for me to take classes again. My husband - an amazing support - found the flexibility for me, taking our son for the afternoons when I needed to be in class and bringing him to campus for feed times.
And cue the mum guilt - I should be with my son, what if he cant fall asleep because I’m not there? What if, what if, what if… My brain would come up with all the things! A few weeks into being back at school (my son is only 7 months old) and we find out that we are expecting baby number two!
Let me tell you! This was a major surprise considering we were being carful (but obviously there was that one time…) Cue my artist guilt - I’m going to have to defer another semester, maybe two. I’m going to be SO tired (again) I’m not going to be able to finish my degree, I’ll never be an artist because I’ll never have the time!
Yep you guessed it - Cue mum guilt - I should be happy we’re going to have another baby (I wasn’t! More mum guilt - I obviously got over that) I need to start preparing for this baby, eating a bit better, spending as much time with my son before my attention will need to be shared, rest my body (cause, hello! I’m growing a new human!)
“Together” - From my “A Family Bond” collection.
It’s about here where I stated drawing mandalas and I also started to crochet more as well, these activities provided a creative meditation for me. I was able to make things with my hands that kind of kept my artist guilt at bay and allowed me to still mind my babies while I created. This satisfied me for the rest of my pregnancy and through the first few months after our second son was born. But that art/mum war began to creep in as my anticipation for a new semester of classes grew ever closer.
This time I was prepared, I set up a fabulous routine for my babies so that I could fit my classes in between feeds. I would breastfeed my baby to sleep, drive to school and be halfway through my class by the time he would wake (again my husband mad sure to be home taking the baby shift to appease my anxiety) by the time I got back home it would be bang on time for his next feed. Again the war was in balance as I preplanned everything so well.
As my sons got a bit older and they began to realise I would be leaving for a period of time, they would cling to me and cry - mum guilt - I’d come home and all my time would be devoted to them until bed-time - artist guilt - I had so much study to do and not a lot of time to do it (the balance and control I had created was slipping) The end of semester would loom and with it final assignments and project due dates, which meant more time being dedicated to my study and art, which also meant less time for my kids. The end of semester was always the worst time for my internal war, which usually resulted in a lot of overwhelm on my part and a lot of short tempers!
In my fifth year (obviously having had my kids at the same time and needing to take breaks from my degree, it took a little longer then the average term - and also COVID) planning out my final units, I find out I’m pregnant for the third time! Again the war went into overdrive.
But I didn’t want to put off classes again for six months - I was so close to finishing! - I decided to take one unit online while I had to be home with the baby and once I went back my husband would bring our daughter to me during my breaks to breastfeed. So much more guilt during this final year - guilt that I’m splitting so much of my time in order to pursue something for myself - even though I know in the long run it’ll benefit my family for me to finish (it was always on my career path to be a freelance artist) and I would be setting an example to my children for their futures - guilt I wasn’t able to dedicate more time to my final projects.
My Grade show arrived, my work was displayed and I glowed with pride at what I was able to accomplish. I was so excited to have my children with me and show everyone my source of inspiration - my internal war was silenced and calm. Even to this day people ask me how I did it and I can honestly say “I don’t know!” I guess having new borns throughout my degree conditioned me to operate on minimal sleep while having my hands full and a to do list that never ended.
Installation image of “A Mother’s Memories”
A collection of watercolour paintings, at ECU GradShow 2021.
Photo taken by myself.
Installation image of “Mother Memory”
A collection of Lino and mono prints, at ECU GradShow 2021.
Photo taken by me.
Even though I’ve graduated and my kids are a little more grown, I’ve come to accept that this ‘Artist Guilt Vs Mum Guilt’ battle will never end. It is just going to be something i deal with on a daily basis, because I will always be a mother and an artist.
Thanks for reading!
Love A x